I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
