My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
