I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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