forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
