I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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