shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Everyone says I win the strip club
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
