apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
