the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
