i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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