I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
