brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
