Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
