My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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