Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
