Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
