He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The struggles of a small town man whore
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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