I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
