The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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