You're my little dorito
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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