I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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