So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
