youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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