GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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