I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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