yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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