I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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