One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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