i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
