That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
