Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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