saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
