My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
