i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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