I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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