Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
