Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
