i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
