She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
