I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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