Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
