I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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