Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
