Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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