he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
