Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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