She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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