I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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