so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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