no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
