saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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