apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
we're making bets on your personal life
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
