Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
